Russki Crackdown!

PRIME MINISTER Theresa May today said Moscow, ‘had failed to satisfy UK intelligence’ (believed to be a man named Brian living near Milton Keynes).

The PM is preparing to chair a meeting of the national security council after the midnight deadline she issued to Moscow passed over the poisoning of ex-spy and double agent Sergei Skripal.

Mrs May is preparing to set out a range of reprisals against the Russian state. These are expected to include the latest cyber weaponry, including state-of-the-art technology which can block Russia’s access to BBC iPlayer and ‘really slow down their web browsing capabilities’.

Maria Zakharova, the Russian foreign affairs ministry spokewoman said, ‘The British government can do what they like. We will crush like grape in back pocket of fat man’.

Bloke has a good idea ten seconds after wife said it

A MAN from Leicester had an idea straight after his wife said it first, it’s emerged.

Steve Cable, 32, was at home with wife Mandy when the idea happened.

He said, ‘I was looking through Amazon TV, trying to find something that wasn’t absolute drivel, when I had this great idea. I turned to Mandy and said, “We should drive somewhere and have a picnic”’.

‘Except I’d just said the very same thing a few seconds before,’ said Mandy.

‘It’s almost as though I don’t listen to her or something’ muses Steve.

‘I wish you did’. Said Mandy. ‘It’s infuriating. You do it all the time’.

‘Do I?’ Replied Steve, sounding almost impressed at what anyone else would regard as a failing.

‘Yes! It undermines our whole relationship. It really would mean a lot to me if you listened more’.

‘…Steve?’

Steve wasn’t listening. He was remembering that last scotch egg in the park and thinking, ‘That picnic was a great idea. Mandy is one lucky woman’’.

 

I’ll cut your hair however the f**k I like, says hairdresser

HAIRDRESSERS couldn’t give a rat’s arse about what their customers want, it has emerged.

Rather than following patron’s requests, hair stylists and barbers around the world are making a dog’s dinner of people’s hair – usually on a variation of ‘They’ve Cut It Too F**cking Short,’ say people everywhere that have ever visited a hair salon in history, ever.

One barber said, ‘You don’t enter this industry for the pleasure of cutting hair. You come into it for the look on people’s faces when you send them out the door, deeply unhappy, having charged them £50 for the pleasure’.

One stylist from Dagenham blamed a lack of communication. ‘You know when you ask directions from someone and halfway through you turn off and stop listening? You don’t mean to, you just do. It’s a bit like that – except I mean to’.

‘Don’t get me wrong, it’s not that I don’t care, it’s… Actually, that’s it entirely. I just don’t care’.

Cowed man realises wife is, in fact, always right

A HISTORY teacher from Stevenage has finally come to the conclusion his wife is always right.

Chris Hallam, 36, made the discovery only recently, despite his wife knowing for many years.

The couple were out celebrating their anniversary when Chris had the epiphany.

He said, ‘We’d hoped to eat at the little restaurant where we had our first date. Kate had told me all week to book a table,’  “About 50 times,” adds Kate, really helpfully – ‘but, I didn’t think we’d need to. Not on a Tuesday’.

‘And guess what?’ asks Kate.

‘Fully booked’, adds Chris. ‘I should’ve known better. I should’ve listened to Kate. She’s always right about things like that. It would have avoided the scene in McDonalds that followed. Can you see the burn on my forehead where she threw her apple pie at me?’

The couple hope to avoid any future disappointments. ‘I’m just going to do whatever Kate says from now on. It’s the most sensible option’.

Although Kate didn’t comment any further, her raised eyebrows and closed-mouth smile seemed to agree with Chris’ conclusion.

 

 

 

‘Dry January’ man’s kidney explodes following 2 week December bender

A 30 year old man who planned an alcohol-free NewYear is today recovering in hospital after one of his kidneys exploded.

Steve Bracknell, from Maidenhead, told friends he was going to ‘give the old liver a rest in January’ before embarking on a 13 day drinking spree.

Mr Bracknell was found slumped over his kitchen table yesterday morning, having doused his Shreddies with Bailey’s Irish Cream.

Recovering in hospital, Mr Bracknell said, “I woke up with a shocker of a hangover and was just trying to take the edge off. Plus, we’d drunk all the White Russian”.

Claire Dunn, Mr Bracknell’s girlfriend said, “He’s a bit embarrassed. Everyone now know he drinks Baileys”.

When asked why he felt the need to drink so much alcohol in December, Mr Bracknell said, “First off, I’d just like to say the Baileys was a gift from my nan.

“Secondly,  I was squeezing as much out of the festive season as I could. Probably to combat what is going to be a boring-as-s**t January”.

 

 

Doctors tell parents: “Calpol is not one of your kids’ 5-a-day”

PARENTS across the UK were today disappointed to learn that pouring strawberry flavoured medicine down the neck of their sniveling infant does not, in fact, count towards a portion of fruit or veg.

Angus McShart, a government spokesman, said “Many parents treat these medicines as a cure-all. Baby Jack sneezes and they immediately reach for the bathroom cabinet.

“We’re rearing a generation of children dependent on Calpol. All because mummy wants her 7.30 glass of pinot”.

Angela Buxon from Cardiff was not impressed with the news. She said, ‘I was up at 5.30 this morning because Maisie decided she wanted to watch ‘Frozen’. Again.

“I didn’t talk to an adult for 12 hours straight, so if a little ‘snifter’ helps bedtime along, then I’m going to pour that magic pink s**t down my kid’s throats like a farmer stuffing a goose”.

A’right me duck? Weirdos visit Nottingham to see normal person

THE MIDLANDS city of Nottingham was yesterday visited by literally tens of well-wishers hoping to catch sight of someone a week ago they’d never heard of.

An assortment of people, but overwhelmingly middle-aged housewives with nothing better to do,  arrived early morning to ‘bagsy’ prime viewing spots along the proposed route.

Beverly Atkins, 57,  traveled all the way from West Bridgford. She said, ‘I knew they were due to arrive at midday, so I got a bus at 5.30 this morning. There were some roadworks outside Trent Bridge that got me panicking, but luckily I made it. I got here at 5.37’.

The nation appears to have taken the actress to its bosom following news of her engagement to Prince Harry, despite only people with a Netflix account knowing of her existence a week ago.

Sandra Redfern from Doncaster said, ‘They arrived in their limousine and fleet of Special Service cars and to be honest, looked like any normal couple, waving at the crowd, accepting flowers, getting presents from fans.

At one point Meghan disappeared  inside Boots on the High Street. She came out a few minutes later with a box of Tampax. It’s nice to know she’s human’.

Man buys Crocs and immediately admits: I’ve given up on life

REPORTS SAY the man bought the footwear then returned home to his wife saying ‘Sheila, I just don’t give a s**t anymore’

Adrian Bass, 45, purchased the shoes on Saturday. He said, ‘I appreciate nobody old enough to grow body hair should wear these, but I saw a Dutch man wearing a pair in Majorca over the summer and he just looked so damn… carefree.

I’d been thinking about letting the world know I couldn’t  give a flying toss anymore. I just couldn’t decide on the best way.

First, I thought about buying a pair of cargo shorts, but soon realised that was the wrong look. I didn’t want people thinking I was a c**t!

So I went into Clarks on The Bullring and asked to try on a pair of sandals. My intention being to wear them with sports socks and go for that Real Ale Drinker’s look.

But then I saw a pair of bright orange Crocs, remembered the guy on holiday and it was like, ‘That’s it. It has to be a pair of colourful rubberised shoes. Then the world will truly know. They’ll look at me and think: there goes a man who couldn’t give a f**k’.

 

Hollywood actress to marry unemployed man

MEGHAN MARKLE, the hugely successful Hollywood actress, is to marry boyfriend Harold Windsor in spring next year, it has been announced.

 

The couple’s relationship has been under tremendous media scrutiny since the pair started dating only 18 months ago.

 

In an interview with Vogue in 2016, Markle was asked of the difference in their upbringing. She said, ‘Yes, our backgrounds are different. One of incredible privilege, the other his’.

 

Although much of the world’s media coverage of the pair’s relationship has been underhand and at root, racist, Markle, a successful leading actress and humanitarian, says Harold remains unaffected by the negativity.

 

In an interview in August she said, ‘Harold’s white. He’s almost translucent. But so what? And he can’t help the class he was born into. Okay, he’s from a famous racist family and yes he’s had trouble with gambling and hookers in the past, but at the end of the day, he’s just a victim of his upbringing’.

Doctor’s God complex tested by illness

A DOCTOR is today questioning his omnipotence after falling ill, it has emerged.

David Bannister, a GP from Oswestry, woke Thursday morning confused and with a sore throat.

The sore throat is thought to be the result of a virus, whereas the confusion is thought to be the result of the sore-throat.

Dr  Bannister said, ‘If I am god, which I believe is the case, then why have I made myself ill? It’s a conudrum, but if anyone can find the answer, surely it’s me’.

This isn’t the first time a doctor has  questioned themself.

In August 1981, Sarah Thriftmore , a thoracic surgeon from Epping was driving to her in-laws for Easter. Exiting the M3 at junction 7, she first thought she might have taken a wrong turn. She then decided, in fact, she hadn’t.