UK water companies run by witches and druids

ALMOST ALL of the UK’s water companies have admitted their use of dowsing rods, despite even 5 year olds knowing they’re utter bollocks.

The discovery was made by Sally Le Page, an evolutionary biologist at the University of Oxford, who published her findings in a Medium post.

Le Page asked 12 companies – 10 of which confessed to using divining rods,  essentially a form of superstition as backward as believing in God or the ‘withdrawal method’.

Bernard Hummings, a self-styled ‘Water Procurer’ from Yorkshire, said ‘This isn’t hocus pocus. It’s a tried-and-tested method. Give me my two rods and put me within 10 feet of a river and I’ll find it’.

Eseld Gwenol, an engineer from South West Water said, “It’s true we use the magic sticks to help us find water. But that be just one of the techniques we use. For example, there’s the Guy Fawkes method. We put a redhead in a wheelbarrow, douse her with petrol and throw lit fireworks at her. If she screams, there’s water nearby’.

Three year old confesses: all my favourite TV shows are s**t

A TODDLER from South London has been alarmed to discover all his beloved TV programs are, in fact, utter bollocks.

Leo Jackson from Clapham was relaxing at home last Thursday afternoon when he reached this conclusion.

He said, ‘I’d just sat down after a long day and was watching Thomas the Tank Engine. It was the one where he’s Really Useful. And about 5 minutes in I had this realization: this is dogsh*t’.

I ordered mummy to turn over and we started watching Bob the Builder. But, once again, after a few minutes I was just staring at the TV wandering how something so bad ever got commissioned. It’s got Neil Morrissey doing voices for Christ sake! What on earth were they thinking?’

Leo has since widened his tastes. He says, ‘I thought Breaking Bad was pretty good up to season 3 and then got a bit far-fetched. We’re halfway through Stranger Things season 2, but you know what the strangest thing is? The kids still can’t act’.



New parents only have friends so flat gets cleaned

A COUPLE from Enfield only see friends so they’re forced into cleaning the house, it has emerged.

Jill and Andy Patterson all but disappeared from their social group when they had Sophia, now 18 months.

But, in an effort to not live in actual Dickensian squalor, they’ve decided to invite over one of their three remaining friends every 6 months.

This forces them to locate the hoover and scour the cement-like Weetabix from around the baby’s high-chair.

Jill said, ‘Having a child really makes you prioritise what’s important. Eating, for example’.

‘Cleaning was only ever  going to be on a needs-must basis. Last time we tackled the shower the plughole was so full of hair and pubes we pulled out what looked like wet roadkill’.

The couple say they’ll invite friends over on a rotational basis. One in the spring and one just before the festive season begins.

Jill said, ‘When we first had Sophia my mum used to come over and she’d routinely clean the hob. But lately even she can’t be arsed. Now she just stands in front of it slowly shaking her head. We’ll probably just wait until we next invite a friend over and buy a new one’.

Family of missing toff explorer disappointed he’s been found

THE FAMILY of British explorer, Benedict Allen, has been dismayed to uncover he’s been found alive and well.

The writer and documentary maker was trekking in the jungles of Papua New Guinea trying to reach the Yaifo tribe, having first made contact with them 30 years ago.

However, he failed to return from the trip raising hopes the selfish tosser was lost forever.

It is thought Allen, voted ‘One of the top 10 explorers of all time’ in a meaningless and toff-heavy Daily Telegraph poll, became lost after the sat-nav on his phone ‘went a bit funny’.

Allen is reported to have said to a friend, ‘I know I’m in the middle of the jungle but this is just ridiculous. Maps is shit’.

This is not the first time Allen has experienced problems with technology on an expedition. In 2013, he disappeared whilst on a trip to IKEA in Bromley.

The explorer was found 11 days later, malnourished and with a massive straggly beard. He said, ‘Before I left home I got the most recent update on my iPhone. Since then, for some strange reason, the battery says it’s 100% charged but runs out in about 10 minutes. It’s like they’re trying to get me to buy a new phone or something’.


London Mayor bans anti-social clothing

SADIQ KHAN, London Mayor, has passed a new law on the sale and wear of ‘country’ style clothes within Greater London.

From January 1st 2018, anyone found wearing contraband garments within the M25 will be subject to a £250 on-the-spot-fine.

Mr Khan said, ‘There is no justification whatsoever for dressing this way in London in 2017. Wearing a cloth cap or carrying around a wax jacket or wearing wellington boots on the streets of London is unacceptable. It’s an affront to our way of life. This antisocial behaviour must stop and must stop now’.

Adrian Bustle from New Cross is against the Mayor’s plans. He said ‘This new law is unfair and discriminatory. I’m bald as a coot and often wear a hat in inclement weather. Even though I’m not from Yorkshire, my hat of choice is a 100% tweed flat-cap. What am I supposed to wear now? A baseball hat? F**k off’.


Donkey punch jockey eyes up next opponent


Disgraced Australian jockey turned animal prize fighter, Dylan Caboche has announced his next opponent.

The pint-sized apprentice rose to world-wide notoriety on Wednesday when footage emerged of him punching his horse pre-race in Port Lincoln.

At a press-conference Caboche said, ‘It was expected I’d have a few more fights in my current class, maybe against a panda or a large badger, but due to the video of me going viral my next opponent will now be a zebra called Mickey “The Beast” Pearson’.

Asked about his training schedule, the jockey said, ‘A normal training day involves weights, some cardio, then I spar with a racoon. But sometimes he’s busy foraging in bins so I just go to my local farm and see who’s available’.

Caboche’s horse was contacted for a statement, but is yet to reply.

Vegans now officially worse people than Audi drivers

SCIENTISTS in Norway have caused a stink; by blaming the recent melting of polar ice caps on a new enemy: the enormous quantities of gas produced by vegans.

Anyone who’s eaten a vegan meal will be familiar with the proceeding 24 hours: one long fart broken only by sleep.

Prof Polsen Fuglesang from University College Southeast Norway said, ‘Studies show one vegan couple produce on average a gigaton of methane per annum.

These are levels of flatulence usually associated with dysentery. Coupled with the volumnous gases they emit from their morale high-ground at dinner parties everywhere, they really are the number one threat to the survival of mankind’.

Vegans were first spotted in the 1970s and were easily identifiable by their translucent skin and homemade clothes. However, now they’ve reached full maturity, they’re smarter, wear disguises and hide in charity shops.

Prof Fuglesang said, ‘One fresian produces around 450kg of methane in its lifetime. Compare that to a pair of mating vegans nesting in their superiority in places like Brighton and Shoreditch. They produce almost unlimited supplies of noxious gases.

Later, after a few in the Thor and Hammer pub, Fuglesang said, ‘I was trying to shag a vegan at university. It was all lentils, beans and hummus. It’s a disaster waiting to happen. They’ve probably caused a rise cancer, too – but don’t quote me on that’.

Boris Johnson to star in movie about a twat







MOP-HAIRED politician Boris Johnson is to star in a series of Hollywood comedies about an incompetent politician wreaking havoc throughout the world.

The movie, preliminarily titled, ‘Where’s My Johnson?’ is currently in pre-production with filming due to commence in the UK in early 2018.

Sources say the movie’s plot revolves around Johnson playing a high-ranking politician who travels the globe, saying the dumbest shit imaginable and endangering lives whenever possible.

Britiain’s favourite comedy actor turned politician, Johnson, recently starred in the hit ITV series ‘Bumbling Clown’ and the BBC’s flop ‘A Posho Abroad’.

Other stars lined up for the production include the bloke from the Tesco ads and what’s his face – he played the other copper in the one with thingamy. Frost. No, wait, I think it was Morse. Anyway, it was the groundsman that did it.

American surprised to be nicknamed ‘Shouty McShouterson’

IT IS the scourge of respectable travelers everywhere.

A student has revealed her shock to uncover that instead of engaging in polite, hushed conversation on public transport, she was in fact shouting into the faces of her bored companions like an underpaid carer into the earhole of a deaf war veteran.

Melissa Jackson from Des Moines, Iowa, made the announcement yesterday from Speaker’s Corner, whilst stood on an upside down fruit crate.

The 21 year old said that although she’d noticed other travelers reading, listening to music or pretending to read an advert when someone looked at them, she thought they’d all want to hear what she had to say.

However, she is willing to change. Jenkins said ‘HEAR YE, HEAR YE! FROM THIS DAY FORTH, I SHALL TRY USING MY INSIDE VOICE’.