Russki Crackdown!

PRIME MINISTER Theresa May today said Moscow, ‘had failed to satisfy UK intelligence’ (believed to be a man named Brian living near Milton Keynes).

The PM is preparing to chair a meeting of the national security council after the midnight deadline she issued to Moscow passed over the poisoning of ex-spy and double agent Sergei Skripal.

Mrs May is preparing to set out a range of reprisals against the Russian state. These are expected to include the latest cyber weaponry, including state-of-the-art technology which can block Russia’s access to BBC iPlayer and ‘really slow down their web browsing capabilities’.

Maria Zakharova, the Russian foreign affairs ministry spokewoman said, ‘The British government can do what they like. We will crush like grape in back pocket of fat man’.

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